Mom Life

Today Deserves a Beer

today-deserves-a-beer

Ever have one of those days? Yano…when your expectations for the day were to be easy going and carefree because it’s the weekend and all, but then you quickly realize you have children! Yep…today was that day for me, plus more.

Started off like any other weekend we’ve had since Brinlee’s arrival. Mark has football playing on the television, Mason is shouting gibberish to one of his toys and Brinlee is tucked cozy in her swing dreaming about her next meal. I’m rocking in the rocker staring at my phone and attempting to beat the next level of my candy crush game…yano, distraction from the football game and gearing up for my next dance party with Mason.

Then…Mark drops the news. He needs to run a few errands. Leaving me alone with the toddler and intensely gassy baby girl. I knew I had this in the bag. Especially since I’ve been home alone with them before (another funny story I’ll need to share. It includes an extremely embarrassing, yet impressive story about myself).

So there we were…Mason was now in his highchair finishing up his breakfast and Brinlee was beginning to wake up from her nap. You can always tell when she’s waking up due to her feline stretches followed by manly farts. But these weren’t ordinary farts. These were juicy bombs. I knew I had a blowout on my hands. I turned to look over at Mason and see he is soaked from the chest down. He’s been on this ‘let me spit my water all over myself because it might get a reaction out of my parents, plus I need to cool off’. Seriously kid!

Brinlee is crying at this point. I grab Mason and set him down. I go over to check on Brinlee and the odor hits my nostrils. She is sitting in complete nuclear waste and I’m attempting to get Mason distracted so I can clean her up. I put on the babysitter (Toy Story 3…works every time) and pick Brinlee up to get her changed. The truth about bombs such as these is there is no perfect way to clean them up. The only logical plan is to set up the bath.

I took Brinlee into our room to pre-clean her as well as I could, checked to see Mason starring at his movie, then headed straight for her bathroom at the front of the house. As I’m filling the tub, Mason comes strolling in to see what the big fuss was about. Still soaked, I decided to strip him down to his diaper (all while holding the stink bomb in the other hand). Mason wonders off and Brinlee gets to enjoy a moment of cleanliness.

All is well. I prep the bottle to her typical four ounces, then the phone rings. It’s my mother. We chat about this and that, have a few giggles then I look down to find Brinlee completed the entire bottle. I was too distracted to give her the mid-way pat on the back for her burp. She has this look on her face of both milk intoxication and bewilderment. It wasn’t ten seconds after I realized and Brinlee projectile vomited her four ounces all over the place. My mom was still on the phone, but I quickly said bye and hung up the phone before I could explain what had just happened.

Mason was still playing with a few toys, watching his movie and rocking his diaper. I can always count on him to remain calm in a crisis. I look down into Brinlee’s squinted eyes and decide it was time for bath round two. It wasn’t even noon yet and this child has released multiple bombs out of multiple orifices. I strip down to my undergarments which include a very unattractive nursing bra and granny panties, then get her all cleaned up.

There we were…Mason in his diaper, me practically naked, and Brinlee now passed out in her swing. If you could look up hillbilly in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure we looked the part. Mark soon returned home after all the commotion…perfect timing!

The rest of the day has been fairly normal…until our air-conditioning went out around 4pm! I’m currently typing this up with a sweat mustache and my clothes sticking to me. Luckily we recently received a call that the maintenance man will be here in thirty minutes! However, the cherry on top to this eventful day was Mark opening up our medical bill from the hospital. Details include surgery for my c-section, prescriptions and lab work. I rather have projectile poops and vomit over no A/C and a medical bill. Just ended up ALL happening in ONE day!

Cheers to the beer I had this afternoon!

One thought on “Today Deserves a Beer

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